To love and be loved in return.

Officially having become a new age hippie, I can finally talk to you again.

A TED Talk video saved my life. I mean it. Here’s the link. You should watch it. No, it’s not called Thrive. It’s just a middle-aged researcher who analyzed the living shit out of why many of us do not feel “a strong sense of love and belonging,” even when we’ve found a beautiful partner and built a life and/or family with them.

So you should watch it. While you are reading about my story, though, you should play this video, which is a pretty song:

Brené Brown, the researcher in the video, finds that one thing consistently unravels connection between people: shame.

“In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen. Really seen,” she says. If we are ashamed — in other words, we do not believe ourselves to be worthy of love — we do not allow ourselves to be truly seen.

“There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging. That’s it. They believe they’re worthy.”

We do not believe we are worthy of love, so vulnerability is terrifying. What if I show you something too ugly to love? So we numb. We numb by choosing beer, food, medication — whatever can take away that fear.

I think of a television set. Or, in my case, a computer screen. In the hours of the day that I would spend getting to know a person I am with, we instead sit side by side zoning out of the space we are in. Families in every space on our block spend the hours of 6-10pm — the only time they have just with each other during a weekday — immersed in numbing.

And you can’t selectively numb. When you numb the hard stuff, you numb joy, creativity, everything that fulfills in life.

Of the whole-hearted crew, the ones who feel a strong sense of love and belonging, she says: “They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.” They believe that allowing yourself to be deeply seen is necessary for allowing yourself to be deeply loved.

I’ve watched this video over and over.

I always thought of it backwards. That I was unlovable and purposeless, so I had to numb. How many times have I blamed a partner, friend or family member for failing to fill that giant need for love? And myself, for not being whole enough to be enough for someone?

I have had this rationale that I had to numb because I was just too fucked up to make this “being loved” thing work. I would tell people, “You would smoke cigarettes, too, if you lived in my brain.” My ugly, unlovable, unloved brain.

And here’s the thing: I was loved. I am loved. But no amount of love a partner or my family and friends showered onto me could make me feel loved.

To know that I have caused my own pain and loneliness is devastating. I have destroyed so much in my quest to feel like “enough.” I have blamed others for being afraid to see my ugly bits, but I have been afraid to take a good, hard look at them and accept myself.

There you have it. Watch the video.